- Breathing. Breathing is the answer to everything. You want to take in all the air that you can hold and lookie here! See that? My stomach pokes out, so I fill up with air all the way down to there. See? Now look at my back, how it also poofs out, down low there. See that? The air goes there, too! If your voice cracks, you are taking in too little air! You have to push real hard, like a constipated dog, to get your voice to not crack! Always sing from your diaphragm. You can see it here working and I can feel it when I sneeze! Once you find it, use it, because you will never be a pro if you don’t use it correctly.
- You must place the sound into the mask. That is the front of your face where your mouth and your nose are, but don’t let air come out through your nose, except when you sneeze, of course. How do you place your sound? You just put it where it belongs! Practice and it will come to you. I promise.
- To get the high notes, raise your eyebrows and get up on your tiptoes and the notes just fly out on their own. Try it! See how it works? This is a good reason to avoid Botox, because you cannot raise your eyebrows if you paralyze your forehead muscles. Think about it. Do you want to look good or sound good? You will have to make that choice! Do you want wrinkles and a voice or no wrinkles and limited vocal range?
- You must have a solid core, so work your abdominal muscles and also lie down on the floor. No, the floor isn’t the thing. Put a book on your abdomen and see if you can hold it there, or better still, flip it across the room, just using your abs. Once you can hold a flag between your knees in a high wind, you will be on the road to stardom.
- Blow a big piece of paper against a wall and see how many seconds you can hold it there before you pass out. When I was your age, I could hold a full file cabinet against a wall by just breathing on it. One time I blew a dent in one and had to pay for a new one.
- To sing in tune, just hold one ear with a finger or a blue crayon and sing with a piano. I didn’t know that pianos could sing until I heard one after having some good old-fashioned LSD and lit a candle. If you can blow out a candle from twenty feet away, you probably talk too much.
- If your low notes are weak, you might try some cigars. I got my range to drop two octaves by having just one cigar a week. I also lost all my high notes, but anyone who sings high is just obnoxious and annoying. I had a nightmare once that I was stuck in an elevator with Mariah Carey. All of a sudden the cables broke and eventually she stopped with the whistle tones. It only fell an inch, so we were okay, but she was scared.
- If you want to be a great singer, copy all the great singers. Eat what they eat. Live where they live. Record yourself singing with them and duplicate the phrasing, the dynamics, and every single little and big nuance you can hear. You might consider plastic surgery and sinus surgery to get the exact same sound. Singers copy singers. Everyone knows that. Monkey see, monkey do, so sing in the zoo!
- Your posture greatly affects your singing. Don’t move your chest when you inhale or exhale; just move your abdomen, like it is a bellows and you are trying to fan the flames hotter.
- Everybody who is a pro knows these little tips:
Singing is kind of like music, but it sounds mushy and out of control, compared to a harpsichord. It’s best to wait until nighttime to sing, so that you don’t scare or scar the rooster or the pigs. If you miss a note, get it next time. Don’t worry about it. If anyone compliments you, they are a liar. Ignore them. If anyone criticizes you, ignore them; they are a liar. As a matter of fact, it is best to ignore everyone, to not be influenced adversely. You either have it or you don’t. No amount of practice or lessons will turn you into anything worth listening to. If you were not born with it, just stop annoying people with your disgusting noise that you make!
Above Is A Parody, A Farce, A Hoax, and Bad Jokes.
It is all bogus and anyone in this century should know better, but ignorance and apathy are ubiquitous. Don’t get caught in the rain without an umbrella, fella!
A little anatomy, physics, acoustics, and modern vocal pedagogy have the facts which all serious singers should know.
Ignorance is not bliss, when you don’t know why you aren’t getting hired. The truth might set you free from unemployment.